Dead Duck Joke

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Top Gear USA, This Sunday At 10p.m.

Sunday, November 21, 10p.m., History Channel

Looks like they got Tanner Foust on the show, the drifting/stunt driver guy.  On the commercial, he was racing skiers down a mountain in a Lancer EVO.

Not really sure how well the show will do without British "humour," but I guess we'll see.

Top Gear USA Coming

The British automotive magazine TV show that's very popular on BBC America will soon have an American equivalent. I saw a commercial for it on The History Channel, but I'm not sure when or what channel it will be on.

Control Over Congress

Governors of 35 states have already filed suit against the Federal Government for imposing unlawful burdens upon them. It only takes 38 (of the 50) States to convene a Constitutional Convention.

This will take less than thirty seconds to read. If you agree, please pass it on.

An idea whose time has come;

For too long we have been too complacent about the workings of Congress. Many citizens had no idea that members of Congress could retire with the same pay after only one term, that they specifically exempted themselves from many of the laws they have passed (such as being exempt from any fear of prosecution for sexual harassment) while ordinary citizens must live under those laws. The latest is to exempt themselves from the Health Care Reform that was passed. Somehow, that doesn't seem logical. We should not have an elite that is above the law. I truly don't care if they are Democrat, Republican, Independent or whatever. The self-serving must stop. This is a good way to do that. It is an idea whose time has come.

Have each person contact a minimum of twenty people on their address list; in turn ask each of those to do likewise.

In three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message. This is one proposal that really should be passed around.

Proposed 28th Amendment to the United States Constitution "Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and/or Representatives; and, Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and/or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States ."

I will also add that Congress sets its own pay rate, and can vote on it's own term limits or lack thereof.

Actual GED Test Answers

The following questions were asked in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds')............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids ?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borrrax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!)

Q. What is a terminal illness ?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas.

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

I'm not sure I'm buying this. The varicose and benign ones I think were "Redneck Words" on the Blue Collar Comedy Show. It's funny though.

This Is Not How You Launch A Boat

This is one of those chain mail jokes:

Greg just bought a new boat, and decided to take her for the maiden voyage. 

This was his first boat, and he wasn't quite sure of the correct procedure for launching it off a ramp, but figured it couldn't be too hard.

He consulted his local boat dealer for advice, but they just said, "don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat."

Well, he didn't know what they meant by that, as he could barely get the trailer in the water at all!

Anyhow, here's a picture below.

You Gotta Love This Guy!!!

Some people shouldn't be allowed out alone!

And remember: 

They live among us and they VOTE!!!!

Legal Reasoning For An Official National Language

I guess it was a couple years ago that New Jersey started giving the written driving test in multiple languages.  This raised a bit of a stir, at least from the surrounding states.

Recently, an immigrant (they haven't said legal or illegal, yet) from the Dominican Republic was arrested for driving erratically, and refusing to take a brethalizer test.  His lawyer got him off, because he doesn't speak English very well.

That's the story, as I understand it.  I may have gotten some of the details wrong, but that story really isn't the point of the post.


The host of a local radio show was talking about this situation in Jersey, and a couple of callers raised some interesting points that I hadn't considered when thinking about the national language issue.

The first caller that struck a chord with me, raised the point that the laws of these United States are written in the English language.  As far as I know, there are no plans to make available all of these laws in all of the hundreds of languages spoken in this country.  Futhermore, as is often cited, "ignorance of the law is no defense."  Therefore, the caller said, the de facto official language of this country is English.  You need to know the laws of the land, which are written in English.  I hear often that there are 20,000 gun laws.  The health care bill signed into law, alone, was thousands of pages.  So you have to figure that there are many millions, if not billions of pages of U.S. law.  Just translating that law into the top 10 languages would be a huge, expensive effort, and would likely piss off all the immigrants who don't speak those 10 languages.


A little later on, another caller brought up that one of the last steps in the (legal) citizenship process is renouncing your allegance(s) to other countries.  The caller figured, rightly I believe, that that would strip them of their alleged right to speak only the language of their native country.


Although I'm still not really sure why this is even a controvercial subject, I think these are both good legal arguments for establishing an official national language, with that language being English.

I think if an unbiased poll were done, asking the people of this country if we should make English the official language, we would find that a large majority of Americans would say yes.  It's just that the left-wing agendas are failing, even when they had supermajorities and a leftist and his cronies occupying the White House, and they are trying to get votes by pandering to the Latino community, with their amnesty plans and talks of a bilingual country.